Born on the Fourth of July (With No Tom Cruise)/Script
STICK 10: BORN ON THE FOURTH OF JULY (EXCEPT NO TOM CRUISE) by Ancy We start in the Plumber base. Rook is hanging up home-made Fourth of July decorations. Ben walks in. (Ben): Uhh, Rook, what are you doing? (Rook): I am hanging up decorations for our celebration of the Fourth July, Bendude! It the most AMERICAN holiday on your Earth! (Ben): First of all, it’s “Fourth of July”, second of all, the Fourth of July isn’t a global holiday. It’s just a small celebration of American history. We light some fireworks, we barbeque with the neighbors, and that’s it. It’s not like Christmas or something, with a mascot and presents and stuff. And especially without decorations! (Rook): B-but isn’t that exactly what the Fourth of July is? Uncle Sam comes down your chimney and gives you presents? (Ben): Of course not, you idiot! I can’t believe you sometimes, Rook! I mean, no one can be THAT stupid! (Rook): Well I’m sorry, Bendude, but— (Ben): Hey guys, come check out the idiot! He doesn’t even know what the Fourth of July is! What a NERD! All the Plumbers gather around and start laughing at Rook. (Rook): Stop it… Stop making fun of me! I’LL SHOW YOU ALL! I’LL SHOW YOU AAAAALLLL! Cut to breakfast where Rook and Rayona are eating some Nega-O’s. Rook looks at the box, and notices a “Price Inside!” thing. (Rook): Oh boy, a toy! (Rayona): that rhymed Rook sticks his hand into the box, and finds an Uncle Sam toy. (Rook): …Oh. (Rayona): Throw that thing away, Rook! The last thing you need right now is a reminder of your— (Rook): I KNOW WHAT IT REMINDS ME OF, RAYONA! (Rayona): Fine jeez, you don’t have to yell at me… (Rook): It’s fine, Rayona. I’m over Fourth of July, okay? Rook stares at his Uncle Sam toy, but suddenly it comes alive! (Uncle Sam): Do you REALLY think that the Fourth of July is a holiday? MORON! (Rook): AAHHH! Rook drops the toy in his bowl of cereal and runs into the living room. There, he sees an American flag carpet. (Rook): STOP BULLYING ME! Rook jumps out of the window and the neighbor’s son run up to him. (Neighbor’s Kid): Hey mister, are you ready for the Fourth of July? (Rook): STOP TORTURING ME! Rook kicks the kid like a football and he flies away into the sky. (Rook): I’m not stupid! I AM NOT STUPID! Rook’s woes echo as we cut away from him, showing the vast landscape around him, symbolizing the emptiness of his soul. Cut to Rook drinking his sorrows away at The Trotting Bieber. (Rook): Gimme a screwdriver, but no vodka. (Bartender): So… just orange juice? (Rook): …Sure. Rook pays the bartender and drinks his orange juice in a single chug. He looks around the bar, and notices… Orson Welles, working on some paperwork! (Rook): Oh my gosh, Orson Welles! Rook walks over to Orson Welles. (Rook): Mr. Welles? (Orson Welles): Yes? (Rook): I’m a big fan, and I’ve always wanted to meet you. (Orson Welles): My pleasure, I’m Orson Welles. (Rook): I’m Rookward Solomon Blonko Junior. Rook sits down next to Orson Welles. (Rook): So, uhh, whatcha working on there? (Orson Welles): Well, the financing just fell through on Don Quixote. (Rook): You know, that sounds exactly like my problem. I thought that the Fourth of July was a global holiday with presents and a mascot, but apparently it’s not and now everyone is bullying me about it! (Orson Welles): I hate it when that happens. (Rook): You know, sometimes I wonder if maybe it’s not me who doesn’t understand the humans, maybe it’s the humans that don’t understand me! Maybe the Fourth of July SHOULD be a global holiday! (Orson Welles): Tell me about it. I’m doing a thriller for Universal, but they want Charlton Heston to play a Mexican. (Rook): I don’t see how that relates to my problem at all. sigh Mr. Welles, is it all worth it? (Orson Welles): It is when it works. Listen, Rook, visions are worth fighting for. If you want to make the Fourth of July a holiday, then make it one. (Rook): You know what, you’re right! Thanks, Mr. Welles! Cut to Rook walking into the Plumber break room. (Ben): Well, lookie here, if it isn’t the guy that thought the Fourth of July was— Rook punches Ben in the face, and he falls down on the ground with a (bleeding) broken nose. (Bromeba): OH MY GOD! (Rook): I’m gonna make the Fourth of July into a holiday, and no one’s gonna stop me! Rook spits on Ben’s face and walks away. (Bromeba): …Well that was unnecessarily violent. Cut to Rook dressed as Uncle Sam with a bag of gifts over his shoulder riding a firecracker. He lands on a house, and slides down the chimney. (Rook): Yo ho ho, children! Uncle Sam is here to bring you—OH MY GOD THE FIREPLACE IS STILL ON Rook lands in the fire and starts burning alive. The family warming themselves by the flames cry in horror. (Dad): DON’T LOOK CHILDREN! (Mom): OH MY GOD IT’S AWFUL! (Rook): SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE THE END Category:Scripts